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A week ago one of my friends asked a question which i thought was worth discussing. He asked about how to overcome fears that pop up at times - even when everything is going good.

In fact it is not a simple question to answer because it varies for every person. There are literally thousands of books that have been written on that topic alone. However, one of the best ways I have used to overcome my fears usually involves lowering the gradient.

What exactly are gradients? Gradients are just like steps on a ladder. If you try to reach the top of the ladder on your first step, it will be impossible and you may fail. If you keep trying it again and again you will begin to build up a "complex" about failing, and soon stop trying anymore.

If you try to jump up five or six steps in your first try, it will also be frightening - not necessarily impossible but frightening. Probability is that if you have no experiences jumping that high you may fail too.

The right approach is to take the initial step and then advance one-step at a time. It is the most secure method to climb a ladder.

Here are some examples of how I apply that to get over fears that pop up in meeting women and dating women:

As many guys do, I often go out to meet women in a social setting. This can be particularly scary. Therefore I am approaching an attractive woman in a social setting, instead of telling her how beautiful she is and how much I am fascinated by her (which exposes my fear of being shot down in front of lots of people and embarrassed) I lower the gradient of approach and simply say "Hi." If a girl likes you or has an interest in you she will find a means to continue the conversation. If she doesn't then i understand she is not interested in me and the simple "Hi" just shows that I am friendly - not necessarily even flirting - so I don't feel shot down in front of many people.

If I am starting to date a girl and I am afraid of taking the next step of trying to get intimate with her, I don't ask her "Would you like to get intimate?" I take a lower gradient and ask her if she wants to chill, get cozy, and just watch TV at my home. If she doesn't want to get intimate she certainly won't wish to be alone with me, getting cozy at my house. Or instead of trying to suddenly "kiss her", I will simply hold her hand or give her gentle touches every now and again to discover how responsive she is to my touch. If she likes my touch she will start touching me back to render me with the go ahead signal.

These are some examples. If you feel uncomfortable and scared just try to consider a lower gradient that isn't as frightening and allows you to make forward progress toward your ultimate goal. If you do this you will learn how to meet women and the way to relate to them quickly.

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